In today’s fast-paced, hyper-connected, and unfathomably intricate world, where even the simple act of having a conversation has evolved into a Herculean task, it has become abundantly clear that the adoption of a personal relationship management system is not just a luxury—it’s a necessity.
This, dear reader, is the tale of how one must prepare, strategize, and meticulously execute the delicate art of conversing with someone under the age of 35.
Act 1: The Prelude – Establishing the Digital Footprint
Before you even consider reaching out to your young prospect, you must first craft a digital persona that resonates with the intricate tapestry of their online existence. Begin by creating profiles on no fewer than 12 social media platforms, including the obvious choices like Instagram, Twitter (or X, or whatever it’s called now), and TikTok, but don’t forget the more niche ones like Clubhouse, BeReal, and Lemon8. Ensure that your posts are a carefully curated blend of ironic memes, socially conscious content, and just the right amount of self-deprecation.
Act 2: The Database – Mapping the Target’s Social Graph
Once your digital presence is established, it’s time to delve into the labyrinthine world of customer relationship management (CRM) systems. Choose a platform that allows for comprehensive social graph mapping—a feature that lets you track the target’s interactions across various platforms, as well as their network of connections, interests, and digital footprints. Thryv, HubSpot, and Salesforce are popular choices, but why not explore something more avant-garde, like a blockchain-based CRM that guarantees the immutability of your data and provides deep insight into your target’s crypto portfolio?
Act 3: The Email – Crafting the Perfect Introduction
Now that you have an idea of who you’re dealing with, it’s time to make first contact. But not just any email will do. This initial communication should be an exquisitely crafted blend of SEO-optimized buzzwords, personalized recommendations (based on your CRM data, of course), and an invitation to connect on LinkedIn. Be sure to A/B test subject lines like “Let’s Innovate Together” and “Disrupting the Future of [Insert Industry Here]” to determine which generates the highest open rate.
Act 4: The Follow-Up – Timing is Everything
If your email goes unanswered, fret not. The next step in this elaborate dance is the follow-up. However, under no circumstances should you send a simple reminder. Instead, leverage your CRM’s automation features to trigger a drip campaign that sends a series of increasingly personalized emails, each one more emotionally resonant than the last. By the time you get to the fifth email, your target should feel as though they’ve known you for years, even though they haven’t yet acknowledged your existence.
Act 5: The SMS – A More Direct Approach
Should email fail to produce the desired effect, it’s time to escalate to SMS. But, again, this is not as simple as it seems. Your message must be succinct, yet impactful—a 160-character masterpiece that balances wit, urgency, and a call to action. The CRM system will be invaluable here, enabling you to track read receipts, click-through rates, and even the optimal time of day to send your text.
Act 6: The WhatsApp – Getting Personal
If SMS yields no fruit, it’s time to go where the masses are: WhatsApp. But not so fast! First, you’ll need to import your target’s contact details into your CRM system, which will then segment them into a WhatsApp-specific workflow. From here, you can send a carefully tailored message that acknowledges the casual nature of the platform while still maintaining a professional tone. A well-placed GIF could make all the difference.
Act 7: The Social Media DMs – Sliding in with Style
When all else fails, you must resort to the time-honored tradition of sliding into the DMs. Instagram, Twitter, TikTok—each platform has its own nuances, and your CRM should allow you to track engagement across all of them. Be prepared to spend hours agonizing over the perfect meme to accompany your message, ensuring it aligns with the latest viral trends.
Act 8: The LinkedIn Message – Appealing to Their Professional Side
Perhaps you’ve been too casual. Perhaps your target needs a reminder that you’re not just another digital rando. Time to deploy the LinkedIn message—a strategic play that signals professionalism and seriousness. This message should be polished, replete with industry jargon, and include a direct reference to a recent post or achievement of your target. The CRM’s LinkedIn integration will allow you to track their response, or lack thereof, in real-time.
Act 9: The Voice Note – Adding a Personal Touch
Still no response? It’s time to get vocal. Record a voice note that strikes the perfect balance between enthusiasm and desperation. Your CRM’s AI-driven sentiment analysis tool will help you fine-tune the tone to ensure it resonates emotionally. Remember, the voice note is a double-edged sword—too long, and you risk losing their interest; too short, and you might come across as impersonal.
Act 10: The Video Message – Putting a Face to the Name
As your quest grows more desperate, you must now resort to video. Using your CRM’s video integration, record a short, personalized message in which you emphasize the importance of a face-to-face meeting. Be sure to utilize deepfake technology to ensure you’re delivering the message with the exact facial expression that’s most likely to elicit a positive response.
Act 11: The Gift – A Physical Reminder
If digital communication has proven ineffective, it’s time to take things to the physical realm. Use your CRM’s gifting platform to send a carefully selected item that aligns with your target’s interests. Whether it’s a book, a gadget, or artisanal, single-origin coffee beans, the gift should be accompanied by a handwritten note, crafted by your CRM’s AI handwriting engine.
Act 12: The Meetup App – Creating an Event
In the off-chance that your previous efforts have finally resulted in a positive response, it’s time to organize an in-person meetup. Use your CRM’s event management feature to schedule a coffee date at a trendy café that’s equidistant from both your locations. The CRM will automatically send calendar invites, track RSVPs, and even suggest icebreakers based on your target’s social media activity.
Act 13: The Follow-Through – Cementing the Connection
After the meeting, be sure to follow up with a thank-you email, a LinkedIn endorsement, and a retweet of their latest post. Use your CRM’s engagement tracker to monitor how these actions impact your relationship score—a proprietary metric that determines the likelihood of future interactions.
Act 14: The Survey – Gathering Feedback
To ensure that your efforts have not been in vain, send a post-meeting survey via your CRM system. The survey should include questions about the quality of the conversation, the relevance of the topics discussed, and whether your target would be open to another meeting. Use the CRM’s analytics to track trends and refine your approach for the next target.
Act 15: The Apology – Admitting Defeat
If, despite your best efforts, the conversation does not yield the desired results, it’s time to send an apology email. Your CRM’s template library will have several options to choose from, including the “It’s Not You, It’s Me” and the “Let’s Stay Friends” variants.
Act 16: The Referral – Expanding Your Network
Even if the conversation was a bust, don’t let it go to waste. Use your CRM to request a referral—perhaps your target has a friend, colleague, or second cousin once removed who would be more interested in what you have to offer.
Act 17: The Analytics – Reviewing Your Performance
With the conversation behind you, it’s time to dive into the data. Use your CRM’s analytics dashboard to review your performance across all 20 touchpoints. Look for patterns, identify areas for improvement, and adjust your strategy accordingly.
Act 18: The Retargeting – Another Shot
Having learned from your previous attempt, it’s time to retarget your prospect. Your CRM will help you craft a new, more effective campaign, leveraging everything you’ve learned thus far. This time, you’re determined to succeed.
Act 19: The AI Assistant – Delegating the Task
Perhaps you’ve realized that this entire process is too time-consuming. Thankfully, your CRM’s AI assistant is more than capable of handling it for you. Simply input your goals, and let the AI take over. It will manage the entire process from start to finish, ensuring that you’re free to focus on more important things, like taking up knitting or mastering the art of sourdough bread.
Act 20: The Final Chapter – Acceptance
After all this, you might come to the realization that having a conversation with someone under 35 is, in fact, an impossible task. The complexities of modern communication are simply too vast, too intricate, and too exhausting to navigate. And so, you must accept that some conversations were never meant to be had.
In conclusion, dear reader, while the road to conversing with someone under 35 is long, winding, and filled with unnecessary complications, the journey itself is a testament to the lengths we are willing to go to connect with one another in this digital age.
